A Story On Becoming...

Welcome to Madrina della Terra. The birth of something that took a series of leaps and a tremendous amount of trust. This is a story on becoming… becoming Spirit Bear Rising and then shifting into Madrina.

I have lived through many experiences and awakenings that have essentially led me to this place of service. It was exactly these lived experiences that shaped my ability to serve and help others in a unique and precise way. 

I have walked out of careers, relationships, and many toxic environments that have not served me or caused a great deal of pain, suffering and sickness within my mind and body. I have listened to my soul’s calling and followed the flow of the Universe. Each time I listened, I grew closer to where I needed to be. Today I stand firmly in my power and put my medicine out into the world with reverence, empowerment and grace. I hope to inspire more people to answer their calling, follow their soul’s urges and honour who they came here to be. 

The Early Years

Me, age 6.

As a child, I was bright and open to all the wonderment around me. I talked to nature. I sat with the plants, the animals and the trees. They opened my eyes and it was in this space I felt complete. It was a natural union. I always respected nature and all the creatures that walked upon the land. I would talk to Spirit as well. On many occasions, I would recall conversations with deceased loved ones and felt Spirit all around me.

I’d walk into rooms that felt heavy with energy or could feel Spirit and I did not understand any of it. I had no one to guide me and this stuff was all considered unnatural. So I locked it away and fed my fascination for it through Hollywood film, stories about the haunted or paranormal and even dabbling in ouija board communication. 

Like most people I’ve shared stories with, there came a time when programming stepped in. Where what was socially normal became our ‘normal’ and frolicking with the land was looked down upon, or considered weird and unnatural. I stopped talking to the trees, sitting with the animals, and did not entertain the Spirit world. I went after the material realm and Bigger, Better, Higher became my motto and my programmed belief. It was this belief that led to my undoing and essentially my major life wake up call. 

I tried and succeeded for many many years to mask my true calling but eventually the walls that contained me could no longer hold me in. My body began to speak for me. It began to break down and mentally I could not pretend to live this life anymore. A series of unfortunate events began to unravel before my first daughter was even born, which became my clear wake up calls that something had to change. 

My Awakening

Shortly after Kaiya was born I found myself trying to ‘fit in’ and do what I was told you should do in society the moment you have a family - solely provide and that your desires no longer matter. So I jumped into another role with one of the top advertising agencies in Toronto. People sought roles in these prestigious places because they look good on paper and propel your career forward. Yay me! This was winning, right? Wrong. 

Day 2 on the job I knew something didn’t ‘feel’ right. The people around me looked empty. The ones who were trying too hard, gave off such an intense energy it made my head spin. It was again yet another toxic environment of fake overachievers on a hamster wheel headed to nowhere fast. By week three on the job, my body started to manifest severe anxiety, trauma, pain and mental distress. 

I walked into the office early one morning. I was always one of the first to arrive. It was quiet and I felt calm. As people started to shuffle in I could feel my body tighten but I remained focused. Then the one person who had been causing the most stress and anxiety (I figured this out later because I didn’t realize as an empath I was absorbing all of this person's energy/vibe) charged in and in a whirlwind of seconds everything turned upside down. It was like the energy went from zen to blast off mode in mere milliseconds. 

The pain started. First a slight aching in my belly. I knew this feeling. It had happened before. There is was again. It began to worsen so I decided I would stand up and take a walk around the halls to stretch it out and see if some breathing could subside the pain. Nothing. It got worse with each step my breathing began to get more shallow and laboured. I had to stop and lean on something. I couldn’t breath. I managed to walk back to a coworkers desk and softly tell her that I had to leave and briefly why. I grabbed my things and with as much effort as I could muster, made my way out to the streets and to my parked car a couple blocks away. 

It felt like my pancreas was about to burst. And I seriously thought I was in grave danger. I started my car and began to head to my doctors office. Pain and breathing still laboured but I noticed as I got further and further away from that office, from those people, my body began to regulate. By the time I was 20 or so minutes from the office every symptom, every ache, vanished!! What the heck is going on I thought? My next though, “Well this is great, now no one will believe me”. But then it hit me and hit me hard… what if this was my bodies way of saying “Stop”. That I could no longer continue to thrive under this fake facade. This ideal that was never mine to begin with. To labour next to people I felt no connection to and work I felt no passion for? This was what my body was showing and telling me. That I had to stop or else. Or else what? I didn’t want to find out. 

2019, my beautiful family, my why. Photograph by www.maidentomotherphotoart.com

Shaking, scared, confused and overwhelmed… I walked into my office a few days later holding my key card, laptop and other office items that were not mine and dropped them off at HR with a letter. “Effective immediately, I will no longer be employed with X company…” And I walked out. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. I didn’t know what I was going to tell my spouse or family. How could I explain to them without receiving a barrage of disappointment or fear shaming? I resolved that I did not care. My life mattered. My well-being mattered and if I was going to be a mother, wife, sister, daughter to best of my capacity, I could not do it this way. It was clear my body was screaming at me to stop and if I didn’t, something bad was going to happen. If I let that happen then I would be no good to anyone. 

That day, that moment, everything changed. The priority to focus on my self-care became #1 and so the journey began. The journey back to self. The journey to find my soul’s gold and the very purpose of why I came here and what I came to do. It’s been a whirlwind of trials, experiences, deep painful shadow work and I don’t anticipate it will ever end! I am on a journey to be the best version of myself and as I heal and rise, I am the very example of strength, inspiration and empowerment I want my daughters to witness.