Whispers in the Dark
It’s Oct 24th, 2023 and the whispers in the darkness are getting louder. It’s been a very dark night… a night that seems to go on for eternity.
My skin feels sensitive and fragile. My bones aches. My dreams haunt me with prophetic images and messages.
“I’m alone,” I hear. “I’m not wanted.”
I can feel myself slipping further into the darkness as the whispers begin to take possession.
I can feel the deep ache in my heart. I’m breaking and still I haven’t cried. I ask myself to cry and let go, but it won’t.
I’ve been here before. In the dark space where I’ve lost taste for life or the things that once felt familiar or comfortable. It no longer feels safe.
I want to fold back into the earth and stay in the darkness. This hurts so much.
I watch as life moves on. People moving on. I watch from a distance as though I no longer exist and the distance grows as lives move on.
“No one is reaching out to witness or see that you’ve fallen behind,” the whispers say. I wait for a glimmer. A sense of hope, but it isn’t here. Not in this place.
All I feel is the weight of these whispers and the layers that keep growing around me. Trying to keep me safe, yet so heavy, unbearably heavy.
“Other’s will move on and you’ll stay right here. Where you’ve been for what feels like an eternity,” until…
Until it doesn’t
Until your glimmer comes
Until you let yourself be touched by Creator
Until you become illuminated
By something
By your soul’s whispers
By her love
Until then you keep listening to the whispers in the shadows.
As we welcomed October, I began to feel this overwhelming darkness come over me. I was bumping up against many edges or limitations as you may call them. I felt my time was being confiscated by everyone and everything else. I felt finances were becoming a source of worry and fear. I just didn’t feel I was contributing to anything. I was just a woman who woke up each day flipped on the auto-pilot switch and that was that.
The darkness kept consuming me more and I knew I was collapsing into what I call “The Belly of the Beast”. A place where the most harmful whispers can be heard. A place that breaks your heart wide open. A place that could devour you if you’re not careful.
It wasn’t a good place. I was ready to close down everything and just remain on auto-pilot.
Except, that’s not who I am. I have experienced too many miracles and moments that now live so embedded in my soul. ‘They’ (my guides) would never let me go back to a life on auto-pilot.
It’s the remembering of who I am and why I am here that kept me going, while I was in the belly, “You know how to walk this path and you know what you need.”
So I got quiet and let the whispers speak to me. What I shared above is what they said on the evening of Oct 24th. Days later, the whispers said “We want to break you.” As ominous as that sounds, I knew I needed to let them break me open so the light could enter.
In the days that followed, I heard little Delia scream out “Nobody wants you”. Ouuufffpphh, that one hurt.
So I sat with her. I let her tell me everything about not being wanted and not feeling wanted. I sat with her until the pain in my heart subsided into compassion. I said to her, “none of this is true, you know this. You have so much to give and offer, and it’s because of this deep pain you have experienced, you know the love and compassion you hold, is wanted, is needed, is valuable.”
My heart came back online and said, “Delia, keep going.”
There is nothing more I want than to share from this deep well how to come back into alignment and agreement with your heart’s calling. How to restore the connection we have with Spirit and life when we find ourselves in this belly.
I want to be in service of Spirit and that was it. It was so simple and yet for a brief moment I decided to let other things get in the way of my focus. AND I recognize that I also have a full medicine bag to help myself become illuminated in my darkness. Not everyone has access to this. It is something that needs to be cultivated and grown from within.
On the day my heart finally cracked and the light could enter, I saw a Blue Jay outside my window. The first Blue Jay I have seen while living in Alberta for just over 1 year.
“The blue jay is a powerful teacher that shows us how to sharpen our intuition and use our talents to their fullest potential. This animal guide always encourages us to develop a deeper connection with the world around us.” Spirit Animal Info. This resource goes on to say “The blue jay’s strength of character and ability to defend loved ones represent a strong sense of self and assertiveness. It is also associated with adaptability and resourcefulness in difficult situations.”
Being adaptable and resourceful in difficult situations has always been my strength. It is a result of me having to defend myself as a young child and into adulthood. Rather than being a victim, I allowed this natural ability within me to come to my aide in my time of need.
“Delia, keep going.” and so I did. I gave myself permission to keep going in a focused direction regardless of the circumstance.
Today, as I write this, the most wonderful unfoldment of experiences has begun to happen. I am humbly grateful for all the ups and downs in life because once again my medicine grows. With this growth comes maturity that no doubt will prepare me more for what’s to come.