When the darkness Responds
Last week in the Story Lodge, I shared my descent into the belly of the beast. I had gone to a place void of life and meaning. In that darkness I heard little Delia say "No one wants you", and this one really hurt. It brought up a rawness and tenderness I had forgotten about, yet it was a story that still lived within me.
This past weekend (Nov 10-12), I was part of the Integrative Community Drum Circle facilitator training program offered by Circle of Rhythm here in Calgary. As we know, the circle offers so much medicine.
It was in this circle I heard older Delia (not this version of me, the late 20s/early 30s version of me) say, "I deserve this, so I will take it." As though to say, the world owed me for the debt of my grief and pain that had accumulated over the years.
I realized, more consciously now, that it was this reparation of debt I have been unconsciously projecting on to others. That I have been expecting others to repay through sign ups, attention, hiring me, praising me, etc etc.
Seeing this shadow reflection hurts my heart -- as most shadow reflections often do. This isn't who I am and yet it lives within me. And here's the beauty of doing this work, is that once "we name it, we can tame it".
Meaning, I get to weave a different story, a different vision, a different way that allows me to take back what is mine. Knowing I can release this heavy burden I have placed on the shoulders of others, and carry it myself. Hello to emotional maturity at its finest, right? Take those shadows back from the people, spaces, and places they do not belong.
Thankfully, I know how to do this. I know how to speak to the parts of me that need tending, and invite them to see a different way through. I recognize that not everyone has their medicine bag equipped for this kind of solo venture and let me say, it’s ok to be where you are as you are! Let yourself receive grace, support, and help along the way. We all need a witness, whether it be us doing it for ourselves or hiring a mentor/guide to do it with you.
I needed to witness this hurt and pain and not just glean over it, because it's been the one getting in the way of me seeing the vision I am ready to step into. It’s gotten in the way of me making deep community connections and REAL, AUTHENTIC ones.
After this weekend of drumming and witnessing, I know now I am ready to step forward in a way that calls the children back into the circle. I'm ready to open my heart to little Delia and all the littles so they can witness how beautiful and capable they truly are, and to remind them that they are so vital in all our community circles.
They are wanted. They are loved. They are needed. And to remind them that only they can take responsibility for the rhythm they choose to put out into the world. No one can do that for you. Claim it. Be it. Open your heart to it.
I never thought doing the work of a mother would lead me to such places and yet it has and she is ready to guide and be in relationship as a giver free from this debt.
May you walk in beauty as you navigate your journey through the dark landscapes of the mind, heart, and soul.
If you need support, guidance, or just wish to be witnessed, please reach out [delia@oakwomanhealing.com].